Dangerously?? In Love.

So I’m about 2 hours and some change from Detroit right now. I went to Alabama for my grandmothers memorial. The whole time on the way back all I can think about is getting back to my boyfriend. My newly “initiated” boyfriend. It’s like he’s all I ever think about but this isn’t much of a surprise because way before he even became all “official” he was still all I thought about. Funny thing is me and him…we don’t see eye to eye on a lot. Like a lot. But regardless of that fact I cant stand to be away from him and even when I’m pissed at him, I wanna call HIM and bitch about….well…him. lol. It’s weird when somebody completely consumes ur thoughts and you don’t even know if they should be there. The one thing about him that scares me is that I’m scared I’m going to lose him. See, none of my relationships last. It’s like they have a time limit. An expiration date. But with him I don’t think I can find so many of the qualities that I love in him, in someone else. Yea I can find another person equally as talented but there will never be another person exactly like him.

This wreckless illogical way of thinking is what gets so many people in trouble. Why is it that we as people have forgotten how to self preserve? Shouldn’t this be our natural instinct? Instead we allow ourselves to nose dive and cannonball into “life threatening” situations. To me this boy is dangerous. Not as dangerous as he could be though. You see, for the time being, I think I know that he doesn’t feel like I feel. The love I feel for him is purely unrequited. I know that he cares about me alot. but that’s probably as far as it goes. I don’t know if he’s capable of feeling anything deeper for me at the moment. But see, because I know how he feels, if anything goes wrong it wont hurt the way it would if I had truly believed he was irrevocably in love with me. Is it pathetic that I accept this? Is it selfish towards my heart for me to gamble with it and put it’s poor little neck on the chopping block for my own self gratification? ….idk….now don’t get me wrong, he’s a great person. Beautiful in so many ways. But when it comes to emotion and all of that I don’t know if we’re on the same level. I cant picture him loving me in the capacity that I love him. Does that make me insecure? Or is it just that it’s hard for anybody to be as intense as I can be.?

See I was bought up on Disney movies where the princess always gets her prince and her happy ending, later those movies and songs with lyrics like “I can show you the world”, and “tale as old as time” grew into movies like The Notebook, Titanic, Armegeoddon, and yes, even Love and Basketball. And songs like “I’m so proud”, “At Last”, and “What a difference a day makes”. My upbringing has poisoned me and taught me to be a hopeless romantic and expect these things. Maybe more so because I grew up in a house where I saw the exact opposite of happy endings. Is it asking too much for me to want a man to fulfill these fantasies for me or should I try to be more practical? I was listening to this song earlier by Kate Voegele called Forever and Almost Always. In the song she says.

“So you’ll be mine forever and almost always. And I’ll be fine, just love me when you can. And I’ll wait patiently, I’ll wake up every morning just hoping you still care.”

The song is talking about how she was always read love storys where they were together forever and always. But her practicality and her love for her man has taught her to settle for forever and ALMOST always. Is this what I’m doing? And if I am is it really that bad in this day and age? Everybody tells me that I was born in the wrong time period. I needed to be in an earlier time. The ways I think tend to be complex and poetic and I love the simplest of things. But should I stop looking for opened car doors and pulled out chairs? Should I stop waiting for someone to hand me a jacket, or go to my daddy for blessings? Is the era for love letters and rocks against bedroom windows over? Lets take it to the 80’s, do people make mixtapes anymore? Or should I just learn to bend with the times and be comfortable where things are. I have this friend who rode her bike to school and her boyfriend whom is not in high school anymore and clearly could drive if he wanted to, rode his bike up to our school at the end of the day and picked her up so that he could ride home with her. See, now a nigga nowadays would say “that’s gay” but I thought it was one of the cutest things I have ever seen in my life. My boyfriend is great. He often surprises me and gives me things to really think about. Our conversation is great. We don’t hold the phone absently like retards. We connect on a musical level and that in itself could take us places u cant even begin to imagine for there is passion in music.i hear him play and my whole world seems to stand still. he reminds me so much of my abuelito is frightening. But should I want more? Is it greedy to want him to be my prince charming? These are the things that I ponder about while I sit and listen to music and doodle randomly or bite my fingernails. But at the end of the day all my questions are null and void because prince charming or frog, I’m still going to be there and I’m still gonna be one half of a fairy tale if I can manage. Why you might ask? Now that’s a question I can answer myself. Simply because I love him. And I live to love.

Fast Forward>>>. Rewind<<<<. Press Play>.

So once again i'm in alabama....i havent written in this thing but i need to more often. i'd almost forgotten how therapeutic it actually is. well it's spring break right now and i'm only here fir the weekend, Eve is with me and that is really cool. she is a really good friend. never judgemental, spiteful, or jealous like females tend to be. there is never any competition between the two of us and she's always here for me when i need her. Like now. i'm in alabama right now partly because it's alumni weekend for Oakwood and mostly because my grandma is really sick....like really sick. she doesnt have long left and i was supposed to see her before...you know.....the inevitable happens... It's very erie though because the last time i did something like this it was with my abuelito and he wasnt even as sick as she is. At least not seemingly.....well shortly after that visit he was gone.....and it's almost like a deja vu. idk.....there is so much going on in my life right now. it's like somebody pressed the fast forward button and didnt tell me. so now i'm still going normal speed while my life is zooming past me in unintelligible colors and blurs. it's april. i'm done in May and i graduate in June. but it's like i'm so behind. i'm supposed to use this break t catch up. turn in some missing assignments and stuff. because right now my grades dont tell you that lat semester i had almost all A's.
anywho i'm babbling.....i'm about to go to ihop.......so.....i guess i'll write later.

Uhm....De`ja` Vu` Much???

So......I'm back here again. back to this point of getting to know somebody, growing to trust somebody. yea u guessed it. There is a new guy. He went to church with me this morning and since today is sweetest day we're going out later on tonight once the sun sets and my sabbath is over. The funny thing is, he is all the things that iAm supposed to watch out for. Smooth talking, extremey gorgeous, (and he knows it), and to be quite honest, he's not what iUsually go for. He doesnt own a skateboard, he's not a trekkie like me, or a dork(also like me), he doesnt play an instrument, and couldnt tell you what a time signature was. He's not a high school scholar and he's not on the short list of exceptance to Yale, Harvard, or probably any where. But, iFeel like iCan be myself around him. he constantly keeps me laughing, and iFeel like iCan teach him something.....idk....iJust feel like he needs me. and iFeel like iNeed him too. iFeel like he could be the something new that will be different this time. somebody who wont let me down simply because he needs me. He's also the right amount of dangerous. Somebody iHave to tell to chill out every now and then.....iLike that. But iCant help but think about how iHave said this before. Somehow it feels like De`ja Vu`. but umm.....I'll keep a positive attitude...Love prevails right??

Another Sabbath Day...Moo-Cows N' All

So I've come to the end of a week and into another sabbath day.....I'm soooo thankful. The thing is it happend so fast. i thought today was thursday. iHad no idea that it was Friday. That in itself is a testament of how good the Lord is. iWent riding today to work out and iPromise u iSaw a donkey. a real live donkey. and I'm like, "man iAm definitely in the country." but it's not that bad now. Of course iCant wait to be back home in Detroit. iMight even kiss the dirty city ground when iGet there. But iRealized that my happiness is not predicated on the location of my being, but on the location of my heart. Ultimately my heart is with the Lord. And that's why iCan ride along a country road and look at donkeys and cows and still be perfectly content with my music in my ear. Believe me, the closest iHave ever been to a donkey was Shrek before today. But still I'm always the most at peace when I'm riding my bike, or playing my guitar. It's like time could pass and iWould be none the wiser. Alot of people might not understand my sabbath and why iDo the things iDo but iKnow one thing, this is a day when iCan sit back and relax. Hang at the crib with my church friends, eat, eat, and eat, SLEEP (which iDont do alot of during the school year being that i'm a Renaissance student), go to church, hear beautiful words and music, OH AND TO ALL MY FELLOW FRIENDS WHO iKNOW ARE LIKE ME.....UR PARENTS DONT MAKE U DO CHORES OR HOMEWORK!!!!! o yea. the sabbath is about rest baby. rest and communing with the Lord. iGet to lay up under my mawwwmee, (despite how any times she tries to push me away), and ijust get to be me. Yea, iMiss out on a couple of TV shows...solution: DVR or TIVO....yea iMissed out on a couple Homecomings and parties...solution: alot of em sucked and I've been to my share anyway. iStill get to go to homecoming senior year (when it really matters) cause its on a saturday, and iStill got prom. iLove my lifestyle.....yea sometimes iBuck it....I'm not perfect, nobody on this earths surface is but at the end of the day iKnow what and who I'm living for. And when iGet swayed and discouraged or down I'll just think about that donkey on the country road or those "moo-cows" as Shida would call them, and I'll rememeber how lucky iAm......scratch that.....BLESSED.

Dont Have A Cow

so, i'm on the road to Alabama and i see cows. moo cows. i'm sleepy but iCant go to sleep because iHave to keep him up and iAlso have to drive in a min.....the car is PACKED my guitar is in the rearview mirror and we look like a traveling band of musicians. what a band that would be. a teenage black girl, a crippled old lady with a wig, and a 5'5 daddy that like fusion jazz. what would we play? my guitar and the spoons. lol. and when i say the car is packed. i mean it. thank God i'm in the front seat....but dude....i'm sitting next to a plant....a plant. i'm filled up on caffine but i dont feel a buzz. it doesnt feel like its helping but i have a theory that if i hadnt've had that aramel crunch swirl loaded with 10,765,456,456,987,456 grams of sugar and 10 shots of espresso, i'd be drooling down the leather seats by now. and what the hell is up with sad ass ohio. there is absolutely nothing in this place. i'ts no better than hoe ass alabama i cant wait till we drive through tenessee cause there is nothing to do here but make babies and go to work. i'm the kind of person that likes to hear a siren every now and then....now dont get me wrong, a frog or two aint bad but, not 24/7. i think the best thing would be if i could live in a secluded place but be able to drive into the city when i wanted to like in less than a half an hour.... i dont know but i know iwant a glass house...literally. but uh...i'm about to take the wheel now so......i guess this is to be continued....7 hours to go.

Love????? Maybe Not

( iKnow itz Long but if u claim to be in love or if somebody claims to love u, u need to read THEE WHOLE THING)

Love. So many people use ur name in Vain. To use something in vain: to misuse, abuse, misinterpret, misunderstand, or just plain old disrespect.Musiq couldnt have said it better. iHave been thinking, looking at other peoples situations, situations I've been in personally, and even am currently in....and I've noticed one thing. everybody is in "Love". everybody wants to love. but it's my opinion that people dont know what love really is. Love can be so many things. some love is genetic. instilled in us from birth. like the love a child feels for its mother or father or family, etc. but other love, like the love between a man or woman, girl or boy is different. Love is often mistaken for infatuation. they think because they love to be near you or because they love to look at you, touch you, etc. that they love you. butterflies dont equal love either. the best way i can describe real love is the absence of self....let me repeat that. the ABSENCE of self. when u really love somebody, u see nobody else. u could be in a room full of people and see only one person. when u really love somebody u protect them, which also means that u protect thier feelings meaning that u dont do anything that could potentially hurt them. u find urself thinking of them before u even think of urself. real love can withstand and conquer all. see the thing about love is that it "knows no bounds" there is no beginning and there is no end. there is no getting sick of love or trading it in for a better model. there is no second guessing in love. it just IS. no questions about it. to love somebody is not to accept them and all their flaws. thats called tolerating. Loving somebody is knowing that they have flaws but embracing and loving those too. not just accepting them. in love even if ur mad at them or they piss u off, u still find urself going grocery shopping and picking up the food item that u dont like but u get it anyway and cook it for them just because they like it. all the while ur still pissed. because see what people tend to forget is that love loves no matter what. love also does not look for satisfaction or fullfillment in anything else because well, the point is that in love, that person is all u need. "where thou desire thou does not love, and where thou love thou does desire." --anonymous in love they dont have to always be around for u to still feel them. "It is not the presence or absence of people that makes the difference because a person need not be lonely even if he is alone. Sometimes it is good to be alone. But that does not make us lonely. It is not a matter of being present WITH someone. It is a matter of being present TO someone."

Love is an unrehearsed, magnetic, unprecedented, and unexplainable emotion. alot of the time in love u lose. becuase love is also sacrifice. LOVE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN 4 LOWLY LETTERS. if u love me i dont need ur words. show me. just because you say it doesnt make it gospel. love is what u do. what u show. in love u should be able to look in ur partners eyes and see urself....see forever....know them like u know urself. but i think the most important thing is this: Love IS GOD. Love is spiritual. (and this is my opinion) but i think if u love somebody u should be able to pray with them.....u know ur relationship is good if it involves religion. nothing can survive without the Lord which is why I'm gonna close here with this. THIS SuMS UP THE WHOLE NOTE:

::1Corinthians 13:: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

so.......are u in Love?

U Haul

So, I'm in the car right now. I'm on my way to pick up some of my guy friends to help me move. I'm leaving for Alabama on Friday. See the thing is that igot in a little bit of trouble and iHave to go to alabama with my dad and grandma. The "plan" is that I'm gonna stay, but I'm not. I'm coming back for school. the part that's really irkin me is this, iHave been cleaning out this stupid house since Sunday and it is now Wednesday. its bad enough that I'm moving, at least let me get this over with as quick as possible. but iGuess thats too much to ask. but here is my thought. iWas thinkin that iCould go to alabama and then arrive back to school a completely different person. u know, take this time to go underground and "better myself" like u know lock myself in a room with my guitar like for hours at a time and stuff. come back to the D like Jimmi Hendrix. lol i'm gonna get up everyday and run too. i might as well use the country scenery for something. iMean what else is living across the street from a cornfield good for? what iguess i'm basically saying is this: lets take this negative and make it a positive. instead of wanting to cry everyday how about iLook forward to the opportunity. iMean who knows this could be a blessing in disguise. If sciety as a whole looked at more things like that then we would be much better off as a whole. iThink if people took more time out to think about shit outside of themselves then we would get more accomplished and be better off. now dont get me wrong, there are days when iJust have this attitude like fuck the world but......well thats just not right.

Loose This Skin

So, they say that most great songs come from when people really go through things. well, i think i'm about to write the best song ever. a couple of days ago i fell...on the concrete and busted my face. so now the whole left side of my face is pratically deformed. my eye is swollen shut, my skin is scraped off, my tooth is loose, i busted my lip, and now it's starting to scab up. so needless to say it looks horrible. and what does that mean?? it means that i cant go back to work at hollister until it heals...it also means that i cant go anywhere without people staring at me like i'm a martian. it really hurts. remember that insecurity i mentioned before. well ACTION!!! here it is. this is my face. My very being. i know i shouldnt care what people think but i do. and what makes it worse is that ma and amber went job hunting like to every store we could find to look for a job, me a second job because i really really need money and so does she. this was so inportant to the both of us and yesterday we went to the metro store. my face was horrible and the guy offered her a job. he wouldnt give me one. most likely for the way that i looked. that made me feel bad but i was okay. then i found out that i may not be able to go to this picnic that i really wanted to go to on friday. then my daddy keeps on acting like this is no big deal. he's so insensitive and he's actually trying to make me do work and i'm on pain meds, then on top of it all Pacsun called me and Amber in for a group interview today and well......i CANT GO. that was the last straw. iCried. i didnt mean to it just came out. kinda like emotional diarrhea. i dont want her to feel bad about the fact that i'm hurt and i def told her to just go. but i'm so hurt. i iwsh i wasnt an outcast. i feel ugly and i feel like i have to hide in my room under my covers. it's funny how the way u think and ur aspect on what u think about yourself and the world can change in all of 10 seconds. my whole summer has changed because of 10 seconds......iJust wanna {{Loose This Skin.}}

SISTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooo, i'm at the house waiting for my new sister! amber is coming to live with me. I'm excited. iAlways called her my sister and now she really is............AWWWW!!!! to be continued.

everythings better on 4 wheels

OH THOSE SK8ER BOYZ!!!!!

its just something about them. is it the undeniable swag? the incredibly laid back attitude? is it the venacular unlike any regular nigga? is it the hand eye coordination to kill for, (wink). is it the love of all things completely cool? is it they way thier jeans fit a little slimmer and sag but only ever so slightly, and even sometimes have a little rip in them. is it the slim fit T-shirts? IS IT THE EXCELLENT TASTE IN MUSIC?? (yea maybe thats it). or it could be the way that board never leaves their side. shit, if u wanna show me ur a man u dont have to kick somebodyz ass, "get money and fuck bitches", or anything like that. nail an olley, do a rail grind, or shred in the bowl and u can have me right there. LMAO!! iDont know what it is, but they sure do get me. MY GOD! there is this one who shall not be named.....fly as hell. everything about him is just so damn perfect. like almost to the point where i had to tell him it pisses me off. maybe its the way they love the simple life...iono...but uh this boy.....he could get it. LOL!! o yea and plus four wheels beat two legs anyday. lol and a message to to the boy...dont worry about me.................

"let me make one thing clear, iDont need to ride yours i got mine right here" (subliminal messaging) Get it? LOL! (yea i'm really laughing out loud)

Loose This Skin

This was a letter to my stepmom, u should listen to Skin by Alexz Johnson on my player on the page while u read this. it makes it make sense
next time u and daddy talk about me make sure u tell him to make sure that i cant hear him. and also make sure u ask for the whole story. all since i have been here i have been helping out and doing MORE than what has been asked of me. yea okay i didnt start cleaning the house that very second that day but he just asked me would i like to take up the task and grandma and him said before i leave. they didnt say that same day. maybe if people would give me a time crunch i might actually satisfy him by keeping it. he wants to complain about me sleeping when i have not slept past 11 this whole time i've been here which is good for me. and he failed to mention this morning that it took me 30 minutes to get out of bed becuase i had a major migrane that i still have and he refused to acknowledge. even so i got up and juiced grandmas drinks all by myself and cleaned up the kitchen that he half cleaned the night before which took me all of over an hour and a half. now it was my understanding that juicing and cleaning up was a group effort but i guess he was too busy talking on the phone which he does all day and he's not handling business. or maybe he was paying me back becuase he put up some food after i cooked. AND the only reason i left the food out in the first place was because i cooked for the WHOLE HOUSE and he said he was going to get some. otherwise i would have put it away. plus i dont see what the big deal was anyway because he didnt do much of anything to the kitchen in the first place i had to reclean what he cleaned in the first place. but still it seems that while i'm going above and beyond what he's asking me to do he still has to find a way to critisize me. vacuum the whole house while he was gone including his trifling room and the only one who seems to notice is grandma. and the ipod, the o so hated iPod i was most definitely not ignoring or not paying attention to my grandma. i was cleaning which took like forever and i had the music on while i was cleaning. now if i couldnt hear grandma from the other room because of that i'm sorry i didnt know i had to change my program and clean silently and take longer because i crossed the alabama border. when she called me i most def took the ipod out of my ear and acknowledged her. but i already know how to take care of the hated ipod. and if i seemed perturbed while i was cleaning maybe it was because i hate the way he talks to her. and they constantly fight. i understand that it is hard dealing with her. but she's the one thats dying not him so maybe he should get over himself. nobody in this house should be more stressed than she is. AND I KNOW if i was to talk to him you or anybody else like he talks to her i would be SOOOOOOOO "DISRESPECTFUL" and yea i know there are times when the things that i say are out of line but i never talk to any of you the way he talks to her. i dont care how old he is respect is still respect. how can you dog me out about something that you do worse? then you wanna complain about me cleaning and i sit up and clean something to perfection and u come right behind me despite how grown you are and mess it right up and then get mad at me because i dont clean it. and u wonder whas wrong with me. my daddy treats me and my grandma like a tyrant. I'm so glad I'm coming home. he really shouldnt treat his only company like that because all i have to do is come home. then all he will have to talk to is grandma. and i dont understand how u can ask me why he would wake me up early in one convo and then in the next with him be tottally on his side. THEN for him to say the way i feel about my grandmother is niether here nor there??????????????????? thats just stupid. (sorry if thats disrespectful but i need to vent) my grandmothers dying basically and he thinks i dont notice?? i notice and it hurts which is why i dont mind helping out at all. its my job THATS MY GRANDMA i would do anything that i needed to do but it shouldnt be like it is. its like i help out and it doesnt matter because my daddy still has to lift a finger. thats wrong. and he should not critisize me for doing what he does. he doesnt do anything alllllll day but sleep and talk on the phone. he rarely does homework and from what i see its not because he's so wrapped up in grandma. maybe, if he took his own advice he would be caught up in all his own work. and he is so quick to pass judgement on me and i never judge him. i only state facts when he cant even see that. i never say anything about his mouth towards grandma, i never say anything about the attitude that he has that u cant see unless ur here, i've never judged him on the fact that some of the problem he has with people (i.e uncle g is not all other peoples fault) or even my mom. i never once not once judged him because of the fact that he messed her up. if he wasnt so stupid when he was young and played my mom because he wanted to be like the dirty niggas i mess with now, then maybe my mom wouldnt have kicked my ass, disowned me, called me all kinds of names, lied on me, and basically damaged me because she was really mad at him. maybe if it wasnt for him she wouldnt hate me now. but i never judge him. AND NO I"M NOT SAYING IM AN ANGEL!!! I KNOW WHAT I DO. but still...so next time he wants to talk about me to the only person i feel like i can use as MY sounding board and not HIS. (i.e you)then maybe he should consider all of this. and thats how i feel.

DJ Play That ♥Love ♥ Song

so, I'm sitting here and I'm listneng to If this world were mine by Luther Vandross and I'm so Proud of You by The Impressions. two great oldies. and I'm wondering why people dont think of love in the same way now as they did then. back when a love song really was a love song. back when a love song could make u cry. Dont get me wrong, every now and then we get the Ginuwines, or the Ushers,or the Justin Timberlakes to make a pretty impressive love song, and sometimes you may even get the Powerhouse tear-jerking ballads like Maxwell's "This Womans Work". still i dont seem to be getting the guaranteed songs with lyrics like "At last my love has come along, my lonely days are over and life is like a song" (ella fitzgerald) or "I only have eyes for you" (The Flamingos), or Songs about livingroom furniture that still make you wanna weep (Luther) see, iGrew up on Prince, Billie Holiday, Frank Sinatra, Teena Marie, Earth Wind and Fire, and people who knew what real love was. So now iGuess because of my long hours sprawled across my bed listening to people croon over lost loves, fantasy affairs, and lifetime loves full of moonlit kisses, iHave grown to have this idealism of what love should be. and I'm starting to think thats why i have so often become so disappointed. I've grown up in a society where love is fuckin in a club, or turning one's anatomy into hard candy. **DISCLAIMER** {now i'm not knockin fans of modern music, i.e Wayne and "lolipop", i mean u can catch me blasting it on any given day} the difference is, thats not my reality. that's my fun. my reality is "if i just see you every morning when i open my eyes" but, although the people i associae myself with claim to be in touch to what love is and how i want and need to be loved. somewhere we have a disconnect. seems all the hours i spent as a 10 year old listening to Blue Moon, my counterparts were listening to "the thong song". and u know its okay, i respect that, and i dont think that my lifestyle is any beter than anybody elses, because like i said i listen to eveything under the sun. the problem is what kind of attitude you let manisfest when u let certain things into your mind. It comforts me to think that some boy somewhere was sittin on the couch listening to his mom blast songs about men staying on thier knees forever and never walking again, while i was laying on my bed listening to Somebody Croon over their happily ever after. It comforts me even more to think that that same person sits on the edge of his bed thinking about me with an ipod jammed in his ear. somebody that thinks me getting on a sk8board is not completely dorkish, or if they do, they love it anyway. somebody who would shout my name from the top of the {insert tall building}. someone who will vow to make me better, love me for a lifetime, spend thier life with me, somebody to be incomplete without me, sombody who would fall on bended knee if they had to, somebody to say our love was Mo' Better, somebody who wouldn't mind sharing a flower or two if This World Were Theirs, somebody who didnt think i was complicated. Somebody who thought Nothing Even Mattered but me, And sombody who knew This Womans Worth. Till Then.....DJ Play Me A Love Song{{♥}}

Friends know best

so this guy i'm with is not a winner amongst the friends. they dont seem to think he can take care of me the way i need to be. ya knoe, sensitivity, love, affection, relativity, all the things that i need. kenzie refuses to accept it as a real relatinship, and to be honest sometimes i do too. see the prob is that i do need all those things listed above and i'm sceptical as to if he can. see i dont know if he's too caught up in being a hustler or a mack. i dont know if he can be a real boyfriend. when asked about it he says "i'll damn sure try" is that good enough? like really? i mean i know why i like him but right about now i'm tired of two month relationships ya know? then theres this boy i've always liked since like 9th grade but rarely talk to. well he's another musically inclined skater boy....and of course all the friends love him. he is more my type and all, but i'm not dirty. i would never cheat, i mean what if there really is more to **Mickey**. what if he really does grow to be loving. then what if he never does, what if the things he like never mesh into the things "we" can like?? my minds in a tug of war,and at the end of the dayits about me and him not me him and my friends but i dont wanna hrt any more. iGuess i just need to DRIVE SLOW HOMIE...only time will tell on this one. and i'm not really worried about him seein this because he wouldnt take the time to read it anyway....surprised?? dont be....... do friends really know best??....

The Siamese Twin...Gotta Love Her

So......iLike to think of myself as Carrie Bradshaw when it comes to this blog. Me=Not Very Capable of Moving around On it. Lets face it, when it comes to the computer, I'll never be a Chimy. BUT, I'll always be a writer. so i illicited some help from the siamese twim AMBER. i love this girl! as far as best friends go she's takes the toast. no scratch that. this girls my freakin sister. i can call her my best friend because iHave so many that i ove so much like MCKENZIE!!!!, SHIDA!!!!!!, JARE BEAR!!!!!, blah blah blah, i have alot and i'm lazy. anyway to the point. amber came in and is currently working her computer magic to give me an awesome blog. she's gonna put music and all kinds of shit on it. and given the fact that this blog is quickly becoming my life, i appreciate it. i appreciate her. i can talk to her about anything. niggas, what i've done, what i think, and she rarely judges me. she does however, give me an honest opinion. if i never met this ho in the 9th grade, i really dont know where i'd be right about now. well anyway, now that i'm done with the gheyness, i am happy she's fixin this thing up and as of now this shit is UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!!!!

iNever Met A Toby That I Didnt like

soooo....i been thinkin right? about SEX. some people take it more serious than others. now, iUsed to have this idology that it had to be all perfect and stuff, but now, I'm not so sure. phyisical, physical. thats all i can get from it. so the question here is this. do i keep bein the good ol girl? or do i go along with the changes life has dealt me? idk, iThink i'm a Good Girl Gone Bad. and u know what? that doesnt bother me. why should i give a fuck? most people dont. plus i always wanted to try sex on a skateboard. LMAO!! no really. when things dont go ur way alot of times, u tend to change. I think i'm changin right before my very eyes. since i dont think imma have the Juno sittin on the corner playin my guitar love, then hey. time to throw down...cause u know........{ refer to the title}

And....Once again, I'm a nomad.

So, I'm somewhere else now. i caught a plane at 7:30 in the morning to Alabama. I'm here with my daddy and my grandma. She's really sick. i mean i knew she was sick but i didnt know it was like this. Grandma has always been pleasantly plump and huggable. now she a scant 112 pounds. thats way less than me. I'm scared. all my grandparents are sick and going down the same road. it's kind of sad. To watch somebody deteriorate before ur eyes. anyway, on a lighter note, my guitar traveled for the first time. i tried to get a sticker at the airport because i flew in to tennessee, Nashville. and we all know Nashville is Music City, so i wanted a sticker to put on my guitar case. but, that didnt work out. I'm just going through alot right now. i guess i just need someone to hold me, u know, tell me it will be okay. Where's **Mickey when u need him? lol. So right now i'm sitting at the leg of my grandmas bed watching the game. (28 to 43 LA, 2nd quarter 9.52 to go) I think when i got home off of the plane i slept a good 5 hours. I was supposed to see **Mickey before i left detroit but i didnt. hopefully we will spend some time with each other when i get back to detroit for good. I have orientation for my job on Sunday at 9. I'm so excited. i'm just glad to have some finances of my own.

Cali Chronicles

so far Cali has been a blast. Yesterday after i touched down we went to the hotel and checked in and then we were of to Mission Beach. as soon as we got there i changed into my bathing suit and began begging my mom to let me rent a surf board. (Mind u, iCant swim. but wth, who cares) So i met up with some surfer dudes and actually managed to stay up on the board! lol i thought it would be like skateboarding so it would be easy. it wasnt at all. lol. and it was freezing. it was like 69 degrees but iDidnt care. iWas determined to be a beach bunny. lol. so after i did that me and mommy took pictures and got hit on my like a million guys with lines like "u 2 must be sisters" and stupid stuff like that. Then my mommy let me get a Henna on my back. of course it's music notes. lol then we went back to the hotel, i got in the shower to wash off all of the beach gunk. so after that we pulled out once more and hit downtown San Diego. we got rode around my this guy on a bike thingy with a wagon bench in the back. so basically we got to stare at his ass while he rode us around. then he took us to this outside mall and i saw the CUTEST abercrombie and fitch employee/model. then we went to go out to eat at this nice Indian restaurant called Monsoon. on the way there we walked past a Hooters and these guys jumped out of thier seats and knocked on the windows to get us to come in. Hilarious!! so after the good food we went back to the Hotel and i ordered Juno and my mommy went to sleep. she had to wake up early in the morning to go to work. so I'm in the room by myself watching Tyra help people propose because when mommy gets back, ITS BACK TO THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so....ta ta for now

Exactly Like iAm

So, I'm sitting in the hotel room and iJust got done watching Juno. omg. that movie is sooo freakin good. It had some good things and elements in it. like selflessness for one. She gave up her baby to someone who really needed it, and i dont think i would have been able to do that. Then, the thing that sticks out the most to me is the comment her dad made. when he said u need to have somebody that will love you for all the things that u are, exactly how you are. that is so deep but at the same time it seems so unreal. iKnow I've loved like that before but see, I'm very open.....iDont know but me, iTend to be needy, i need alot of attention, sometimes i get bitchy (it's all in the genectics thanks to my o-so-generous mother..*sarcasm much?**), iBite my fingernails down to the quick, iHave guitar callous, iListen to music some people have never even heard of, iCan be really bossy, and a know at all, sometimes iPick @ people, and even though iDont mean to some people tell me iHave this air of "I'm better than u". but thats so hard for me to believe because half the time i feel like iNeed to step something up, or iWish i was something else, but them the other half iDont give a damn about anything or anybody. complicated huh? iWear Chuck Taylors, and i have ambitions as a surfer,sk8er. i Freakin love the 80's, iLove cars, and motorcycles, and i desperately wish that i stuck with basketball or at least had somebody to teach me more, considering that fact that i love it sooo much. Not to mention i have a host of the most wierd friends in the world ranging from beauty queens to homos and i love them all. and iGuess u wouldnt exactly put me in the "popular crowd" (wtf is that anyway?) in school, iDont think i'm in any crowd, I'm just there. all these things but together make me pretty wierd. How could i ever expect anybody to love all of that jammed together i mean truly. yea i have a boyfriend and all but he doesnt truly know me. he knows me but not the wierd me. but I'm not talking about a high school boyfriend. I'm talking about the real thing, u know the thing thats supposed to last for a lifetime. sometimes i feel that maybe love is sacrifice, that i might have to adapt the way that i am in order to get what i'm looking for, i dont know. all i'm really looking for is a love that is real. i dont want much. idk, maybe if i spent more time on music instead of thinking about this crap I'd have a grammy by now. and maybe if i put more time in my schoolwork i'd be freakin Steven Banks. idk......

Floatation Device Located Under Seat-Cusion, Oxygen Mask Overhead

So, I’m on the plane on my way to Cali, and I just got done with the climb. I hate that part. It always makes my ears hurt for the next 3 days. But lucky for me, this time I didn’t have to go through that agony. I had a stupid wad of gum and ear plugs (A.K.A index fingers, ear plugs just sound better). The flight has a layover in Chicago, then I’m getting right back on the plane in Chicago not but 15 minutes after I touch down, just to endure the climb again. I think the flight from Chicago to San Diego is about 3 hours. And this one I’m on now is an hour and 20 minutes. I didn’t get to talk to the hunny **Mickey** before I took off, but I did get to text him. iDont know how much talking I’ll be doing while I’m out of town since I currently own and operate a Metro Piece.Of.Shit. My daddy will NOT get me a contract because when I was younger and actually had time on my hands I ran phone bills through the roof. Now I hardly have time to talk. I text more than anything. Give me unlimited text and I’ll be cool. Bottom line, He’s not buyin my story. So therefore I cant wait for that hot “18” because I’m going to buy me a Blackjack…but I’m touching down now so ….TO BE CONTINUED

Title?...or not.

So, I'm sitting here watching the game (Boston and LA) and normally i would be beating the couch, screaming at the tv, and slappin fives, but i'm not. 1, Boston is down by 10 in the 2nd with 2 min left, and 2, because i am on my way to California. now i know what youre thinkin, "why the hell is she not excited" i am excited. Cali is like my second home. but see the thing is. i have a boyfriend now. (PAUSE) [ iNever actually said it to myself since i broke up with my ex, **Bobby**].(Play) well since I'm going, i'm not gonna be able to see him (my boyfriend **Mickey**)for like two more weeks and i havent seen him in almost two weeks already. now dont get me wrong, I'm gonna have my fun in the sun, but I'm still gonna miss him. then i get to thinkin well what if he gets tired of not seein me, or what if it gets old. or something like that. pretty insecure, i know. but hey, i cant help it. then i start thinkin, like this is a dude that nobody would expect me to be with. i mean i'm the choir girl, the girl who bites her fingernails and has guitar callous on her fingertips. the girl who listens to fallout boy and Alexz Johnson and works at Hollister. (i just got the job!) I'm the complete opposite of him. so sometimes i wonder why he picked me. i know some of the girls that were danglin on his balls, and so i wonder. now lets back this up real quick. this is not a self esteem issue or anything like that but just some things that i wonder about. see, little do people know I'm actually quite sensitive, only a select few will ever see that though. I've been through some things in my life that can harden a nigga up real quick, like for example, my stepfather came in to the dentist yesterday to sign a paper for me to get my wisdom tooth pulled (ouch) and they asked him did he wanna come back and see me and he simply replied NO. now i dont really care for him that much so i guess it shouldnt have really hurt me but it did. i guess i just wish he would care so that i would like him. Steph (the lady i live with) loves me and takes more care of me than most, and she isnt even my step mom. her and my dad are not even together any more and she still sticks around. we fight alot because of the fact that i'm a very opinionated person, but all in all, she's still here. the rest of that side (my real momz side) of the family talked about me behind my back, lied on me in court, said and did awful things, but they wanna say i'm turning my back on them because i dont kiss thier asses for it, or because i'd rather stay where i feel really loved. the only people on that side of the family i feel were ever true to me were my granddaddy (my complete heart) and my big cuzzo Paris. that, paired with stupid niggas fuckin u over, my abuelito's death, my grandaddy being sick with the same thing that killed my abuelito, my only living grandmother sick with cancer, and my daddy moving to Alabama to take care of her with diabetes himself. all that together can harden a heart really quick. but the funny thing is even with all this hardening, i still tend to be sensitive, which is what prompted all the questions at the beginning of this blog. i guess these are questions that can only be answered with time because i dont say these things out loud, its not like I'm gonna tell him or anybody else for that matter. hmmm.....idk (by the way, the Celtics are only down by 2 now. 4th quarter 6 min to go.