So I’m about 2 hours and some change from Detroit right now. I went to Alabama for my grandmothers memorial. The whole time on the way back all I can think about is getting back to my boyfriend. My newly “initiated” boyfriend. It’s like he’s all I ever think about but this isn’t much of a surprise because way before he even became all “official” he was still all I thought about. Funny thing is me and him…we don’t see eye to eye on a lot. Like a lot. But regardless of that fact I cant stand to be away from him and even when I’m pissed at him, I wanna call HIM and bitch about….well…him. lol. It’s weird when somebody completely consumes ur thoughts and you don’t even know if they should be there. The one thing about him that scares me is that I’m scared I’m going to lose him. See, none of my relationships last. It’s like they have a time limit. An expiration date. But with him I don’t think I can find so many of the qualities that I love in him, in someone else. Yea I can find another person equally as talented but there will never be another person exactly like him.
This wreckless illogical way of thinking is what gets so many people in trouble. Why is it that we as people have forgotten how to self preserve? Shouldn’t this be our natural instinct? Instead we allow ourselves to nose dive and cannonball into “life threatening” situations. To me this boy is dangerous. Not as dangerous as he could be though. You see, for the time being, I think I know that he doesn’t feel like I feel. The love I feel for him is purely unrequited. I know that he cares about me alot. but that’s probably as far as it goes. I don’t know if he’s capable of feeling anything deeper for me at the moment. But see, because I know how he feels, if anything goes wrong it wont hurt the way it would if I had truly believed he was irrevocably in love with me. Is it pathetic that I accept this? Is it selfish towards my heart for me to gamble with it and put it’s poor little neck on the chopping block for my own self gratification? ….idk….now don’t get me wrong, he’s a great person. Beautiful in so many ways. But when it comes to emotion and all of that I don’t know if we’re on the same level. I cant picture him loving me in the capacity that I love him. Does that make me insecure? Or is it just that it’s hard for anybody to be as intense as I can be.?
See I was bought up on Disney movies where the princess always gets her prince and her happy ending, later those movies and songs with lyrics like “I can show you the world”, and “tale as old as time” grew into movies like The Notebook, Titanic, Armegeoddon, and yes, even Love and Basketball. And songs like “I’m so proud”, “At Last”, and “What a difference a day makes”. My upbringing has poisoned me and taught me to be a hopeless romantic and expect these things. Maybe more so because I grew up in a house where I saw the exact opposite of happy endings. Is it asking too much for me to want a man to fulfill these fantasies for me or should I try to be more practical? I was listening to this song earlier by Kate Voegele called Forever and Almost Always. In the song she says.
“So you’ll be mine forever and almost always. And I’ll be fine, just love me when you can. And I’ll wait patiently, I’ll wake up every morning just hoping you still care.”
The song is talking about how she was always read love storys where they were together forever and always. But her practicality and her love for her man has taught her to settle for forever and ALMOST always. Is this what I’m doing? And if I am is it really that bad in this day and age? Everybody tells me that I was born in the wrong time period. I needed to be in an earlier time. The ways I think tend to be complex and poetic and I love the simplest of things. But should I stop looking for opened car doors and pulled out chairs? Should I stop waiting for someone to hand me a jacket, or go to my daddy for blessings? Is the era for love letters and rocks against bedroom windows over? Lets take it to the 80’s, do people make mixtapes anymore? Or should I just learn to bend with the times and be comfortable where things are. I have this friend who rode her bike to school and her boyfriend whom is not in high school anymore and clearly could drive if he wanted to, rode his bike up to our school at the end of the day and picked her up so that he could ride home with her. See, now a nigga nowadays would say “that’s gay” but I thought it was one of the cutest things I have ever seen in my life. My boyfriend is great. He often surprises me and gives me things to really think about. Our conversation is great. We don’t hold the phone absently like retards. We connect on a musical level and that in itself could take us places u cant even begin to imagine for there is passion in music.i hear him play and my whole world seems to stand still. he reminds me so much of my abuelito is frightening. But should I want more? Is it greedy to want him to be my prince charming? These are the things that I ponder about while I sit and listen to music and doodle randomly or bite my fingernails. But at the end of the day all my questions are null and void because prince charming or frog, I’m still going to be there and I’m still gonna be one half of a fairy tale if I can manage. Why you might ask? Now that’s a question I can answer myself. Simply because I love him. And I live to love.
