Title?...or not.

So, I'm sitting here watching the game (Boston and LA) and normally i would be beating the couch, screaming at the tv, and slappin fives, but i'm not. 1, Boston is down by 10 in the 2nd with 2 min left, and 2, because i am on my way to California. now i know what youre thinkin, "why the hell is she not excited" i am excited. Cali is like my second home. but see the thing is. i have a boyfriend now. (PAUSE) [ iNever actually said it to myself since i broke up with my ex, **Bobby**].(Play) well since I'm going, i'm not gonna be able to see him (my boyfriend **Mickey**)for like two more weeks and i havent seen him in almost two weeks already. now dont get me wrong, I'm gonna have my fun in the sun, but I'm still gonna miss him. then i get to thinkin well what if he gets tired of not seein me, or what if it gets old. or something like that. pretty insecure, i know. but hey, i cant help it. then i start thinkin, like this is a dude that nobody would expect me to be with. i mean i'm the choir girl, the girl who bites her fingernails and has guitar callous on her fingertips. the girl who listens to fallout boy and Alexz Johnson and works at Hollister. (i just got the job!) I'm the complete opposite of him. so sometimes i wonder why he picked me. i know some of the girls that were danglin on his balls, and so i wonder. now lets back this up real quick. this is not a self esteem issue or anything like that but just some things that i wonder about. see, little do people know I'm actually quite sensitive, only a select few will ever see that though. I've been through some things in my life that can harden a nigga up real quick, like for example, my stepfather came in to the dentist yesterday to sign a paper for me to get my wisdom tooth pulled (ouch) and they asked him did he wanna come back and see me and he simply replied NO. now i dont really care for him that much so i guess it shouldnt have really hurt me but it did. i guess i just wish he would care so that i would like him. Steph (the lady i live with) loves me and takes more care of me than most, and she isnt even my step mom. her and my dad are not even together any more and she still sticks around. we fight alot because of the fact that i'm a very opinionated person, but all in all, she's still here. the rest of that side (my real momz side) of the family talked about me behind my back, lied on me in court, said and did awful things, but they wanna say i'm turning my back on them because i dont kiss thier asses for it, or because i'd rather stay where i feel really loved. the only people on that side of the family i feel were ever true to me were my granddaddy (my complete heart) and my big cuzzo Paris. that, paired with stupid niggas fuckin u over, my abuelito's death, my grandaddy being sick with the same thing that killed my abuelito, my only living grandmother sick with cancer, and my daddy moving to Alabama to take care of her with diabetes himself. all that together can harden a heart really quick. but the funny thing is even with all this hardening, i still tend to be sensitive, which is what prompted all the questions at the beginning of this blog. i guess these are questions that can only be answered with time because i dont say these things out loud, its not like I'm gonna tell him or anybody else for that matter. hmmm.....idk (by the way, the Celtics are only down by 2 now. 4th quarter 6 min to go.